


Hi Ho, Off We Go

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [31]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Batfamily, Crack, Damian is a secretly sweet child, Dick spreads love, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Jason is a good bro, Jason loves to annoy Bruce, Tim divulges too much information, Wally busts a move, batbros, dimension hopping with Raven and Damian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 13:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18344801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Damian is going on a field trip.Dick is full of emotion.Jason is here to vex his father,and Tim works himself into a sexy lather.





	Hi Ho, Off We Go

It was a general rule of thumb that when Damian was involved with anything, things would become dangerous, novel, and in Jason's view, ball bustingly hilarious.

Case in point, the current moment, with Damian clad in his too-large black sorcerer's robes that pooled at his feet, carrying a little knapsack full of snacks and toiletries and spare clothes, stadning in front of a vortex with Dick fretting over him like a delirious chicken.

"Are you sure you'll be warm enough in the Demon Realm, Dami? Did you pack enough sweaters? Did you remember to stock up on granola bars? Did you pak extra to share with the demon children, and-"

"Grayson, my god," Damian muttered, blushing, "I've done the necessary things for the trip."

"I just want you to be safe and happy and learn new demon majicks in a conducive environment, Dami!" Dick wailed, hugging the boy, who despite his stoic demeanour, leaned in to the embrace and looked smugly at the rest of his family. 

"I promise to be safe, Grayson, and to conduct myself in a manner befitting of a Wayne," Dami promised. 

Dick stood and wiped tears from his eyes, because it was his Baby's First Inter-Dimesional Travel. He looked at Raven with tears in his eyes. "Rae, will you look after Dami?"

Raven rolled her eyes. "You are such a wet lump, Dick," she informed her best friend. "We're literally going to see my family for Demon's Solstice. It's traditional. We do it every year."

"But Dami had never been to the Demon realm before! He might get overwhelmed!"

"It's a family dinner. The worst thing that can happen is my brother belching too loudly again and cauing a minor earthquake."

"Speaking of which," Dick said, "I made a lasagna!" He handed the steaming, gooey, cheesy dish to Damian. "It's always polite to bring something to the dinner table," Dick recited, sounding like a prettier version of Alfred, while the OG nodded approvingly. 

Raven eyed the lasagna. "Well. At least Tony will be happy."

Jason snorted. "Your brother's name is Tony?"

"His name," Raven glared, "is Gluttony."

There was silence. Bruce cleared his throat. "Do you mean to tell me," he rumbled, "that your brother is one of the seven deadly sins?"

"No, I mean that all of my brothers are the seven deadly sins," Raven deadpanned. "There's Pride, Wrath, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Lust, and Sloth."

"Are they your baby brothers?" Dick cooed. 

"No, I'm the baby," Raven grumbled. "Dick if you don't stop cooing then I will send your lips into the ether."

Dick fell quiet, but his eyes continued to sparkle with the Power of Cute. Raven snorted and whacked him across the head, but Dick's mindlessly fluffy nature persisted. Admitting defeat, Raven chivvied Damian towards the portal. 

"Do you have to take Damian with you?" Bruce asked worriedly, far too aware of the power of portals and alternate dimensions.

"In short, yes," Raven said. "My family has been bugging me about having children. I am hoping that bringing one with me will sate their need for a continuous flow of nieces and nephews. Currently, Sloth is leading the chart for the most children."

"Sloth? I'd have thought it would be lust," Tim mused. 

"Lust is more...a lust of life," Raven clarified. "Sloth is very successful because all he does is lie flat and let the woman be on top-"

"Delicate ears!" Dick shrieked, and covered Damian's ears with his tender hands. Damian, slug that he was, gloried in the protective cradle of his head in Grayson's warm, maternal hands. 

Raven huffed. "Can we go now?"

Dick sniffled and knelt down next to Damian. "Promise me that you'll be safe," he said softly. "That you'll come home."

Damian nodded solemly. "I swear to you, Grayson. I will not 'Do A Father' and be lost to the ether."

"Hey!"

"You did get lost in the ether and cause us great emotional distress," Jason said. "Why, Tim even got a bit unhinged from the trauma."

"It's true," Tim said. "I would have been lost had it not been for the support of my family and of course, the warm, unconditional love of Kon."  
"So you see Bruce," Jason expanded philosophically, "you are the true reason that Tim and Kon are so in love. Your 'demise' led Tim straight into Kon's arms to find solace."

"No," Bruce breathed pneumatically.

"Yes," Jason hissed eurporically. "It was you, Bruce! It was all you!"

Bruce fell to his knees and threw his hands into the air. "Noooo! Damn my fractious fate! Damn all horny Kryptonians! Damn Clark and his genetic material!"

Somewhere on Kent Farm, Clark suddenly felt sad, and so came to the conclusion that Kon was doing unholy things. Not an entirely baseless conclusion, given past experience, but when Clark barged into his brother's room, Kon had just emerged from the shower. What resulted was two Very Unhappy Kents. 

Back in the Batcave, Bruce continued to suffer, even as the portal began to pulse impateintly. "The portal!" Damian cried. "Mistress, we must make haste!"

Raven nodded and picked Damian up. "Yeet," she monotoned, and tossed Damian in, before high fiving Jason and jumping in after Damian. Distantly, they could hear Damian yelling in affront at being tossed like a beanbag. 

"Are you okay, Dami?" Dick wailed worriedly through the portal. 

"Grayson, I have landed in a puddle!" Damian's voice carried through. "My arse is wet!"

"Oh no, get your change of clothes quickly, or you'll start to itch!" Dick called back, even as Jason, Tim, and Cass fell into fits of laughter.

"Cast a drying charm," Raven instructed.

"A brilliant idea, Mistress," Damian said. "Grayson, tell those hyenas to cease their cackling!"

"Guys, come on," Dick scolded his giggling siblings. "Wet bum is the worst!"

"Wet bum!" Jason echoed, and the three of them fell into hysterical laughter once more. 

"Grayson!" Damian called again, sending Dick scurrying back to the portal. "I have found a demon dog! It is a puppy!"

"Ooh, is it friendly?"

"I am petting its three heads as we speak!"

Bruce pushed Dick out of the way, and he fell away with a squeak. "You can't have any more pets," Bruce called. "Certainly not a cerberus!" 

"Aw, Father," Damian grumbled. "I am going to go now," he called loudly, "farewell, all!"

"Bye Dami!" Dick called back. "I'm sending a kissy! Muah! Muah!"

"Sigh...muah," Damian replied, sounding less enthusaistic, but everyone knew that he had his sigature Kermit grin on his face.

The portal closed, but not before trying to snag Dick for some old fashioned Portal Romance. Dick jumped out of the way with a tiny squeak of surprise, and the portal, sensing that the man of It's dreams did not love It back, closed with a morose 'oop'. 

"Welp, I'm hungry," Jason said. "If we don't go up to lunch, I'm going to eat Tim."

Dick continued to stare wistfully after Damian into the empty space where the portal had disappeared, and Bruce placed a heavy, warm, hand on his shoulder. "He'll be alright," Bruce consoled Dick, as much as the words were for himself, "Raven is with him. She nearly caused an apocalypse that one time, remember? She's plenty powerful to bring Damian home."

"That's the spirit, men," Alfred said stoutly, "we must soldier on, with a stiff upper lip."

Dick's upper lip wobbled emotionally.

"I gave you fair warning," Jason declared suddenly, "but you paid no heed. Now Tim must pay the price." Jason reached out and pulled a struggling Tim into a headlock, and made loud 'om-nom-nom' noises into the top of Tim's head, while the tiny boy squeaked and flailed. 

"Only Kon can eat me-!"

Bruce was up in a flash. "Excuse me?"

"-er, eat *with* me, like on a dinner date..." Tim trailed off as Bruce turned steadily more purple. "Oh daddy, please don't kill Kon!"

"You," Bruce gritted out, "are confined to the East Wing for the next month, young man. It's going to be work, patrol, and straight home! And I will be calling Clark, make no mistake-"

"Bruce, have mercy!"

"I can't seem to find any," Bruce mused. "Oh, perhaps Kon-El... ATE IT."

Tim fainted away, and Jason happily lugged his limp form up the stairs, finally able to eat lunch. Dick, now sufficiently distracted, followed, squeaking his concern for 'poor comatose Timmy, Bruce how could you?'

They trooped upstairs, and Dick continued to be sad at sending Damian on his first overnight field trip. Even Terry picked up on Dick's sadness. "Dada?" He asked seriously, his little hands patting Dick's face. 

"I'm okay, Terry-pie," Dick smiled. "I just miss Dami."

"Oh my god, Dick you unbearable mongoose," Jason cried, slamming his tiny salad fork down. "That's it! I refuse to be subjected to your mopey dopey face all day long! We are going to go and train, and I won't give you a second to even think about Damain!"

Jason stormed out, muttering under his breath. Dick shrugged and continued to feed Terry his banana mush. They had gotten through lunch and were doing the washing up when Jason came back, flushed with triumph. 

"C'mon Dickface, it's time to put you to the test," he grinned. 

Everyone trooped down into the cave, where Jason led them to the seldom used uderground tunnels, where he had fashioned an obstacle course. "Alright, here's the plan! Dick, you have to make it past the obstacle course in time to rescue your hostage from a wet fate. Tim! Reveal the hostage!"

Tim rolled away the curtains to reveal a tied up Wally, who had been stuffed into a crude facsimilie of a bellydancer's outfit. He was standing on a raised platform, his hands behind his back, his ankles taped and his mouth gagged, looking affronted at his situation. "The more you dally, the longer Wally will be forced to dance to avoid his wet, soggy, fate!" Jason boomed. "Tim! Reveal the punishment tank!"

Tim cackled madly and jumped across the platform to move aside another curtain below Wally's platform to reveal - 

"GAASP!" Dick put a hand to his chest when he saw the shallow pool filled with Wally's pet peeve - tiny fish. "Wallykins!"

Wally's response was lost to the gag. 

"That's right, Dickie! If you can't save your ginger lover, then Wallykins will have to swim witht he ridiculously tiny fish! His one true fear!"

Dick squared his shoulders. "Bruce."

"Yes?"

"Hold my baby."

Bruce accepted Terry and nodded. "I'v got your baby, Dick, you go and save your man."

It took most of the afternoon, because Jason kept whiping the ground and demanding that Wally 'dance, urchin, dance!' and everyone just kept cracking up with laughter. Eventually, Dick managed to rescue Wally and set him down on the ground. 

"Are you okay, Wally-lolly?"

"I'll always be okay with you, Dickie-wicky!"

"Oh, barf," Jason opined, and pushed both of them into the pool filled with the tiny fish. He revelled in Wally's screams and thought it approprte recompaense for hearing the words 'Wally-lolly'. 

Then, it was time to patrol, and Bruce stuffed Tim into his old Robin outfit to patrol beside him, so that Tim couldn't run off and join Kon on any post-patrol 'Titans business'. Dick and Jason paired up, and together, they bought a lot of flowers from Poison Ivy to help her legitimate flower stall and houseplant business. 

The flowers were actually a celebration for pushing Two-Face into the sewer. 

The duo distributed the plants all over dank old Gotham City, and managed to do a decent enough job of cheering up the place. They headed home after a long day's work, to find Bruce and Tim already home, and Bruce seething quietly. 

"What crawled up his butt?" Jason asked, pointing to Bruce. 

"Riddler got excited to see me out as Robin tonight," Tim explained. "He gave me a hug and a complementary riddle."

"Oh, I'd forgotten that you were his favorite," Dick smiled. "He missed you! That's so cute!"

Bruce goggled at what a fluff-brained jellyfish his eldest son was, but was interrupted when Jason handed him a bunch of flowers. "Oh. Thank you, Jason."

"Careful, it may have sex pollen," Jason advised belatedly. 

Bruce dropped the flowers like ahot potato and stepped on them till they were naught but mush. He glared at Jason. "Daft boy," he scolded, "what would have happened if I had inhaled the sex pollen?"

"Sit on a corn cob, I guess," Jason replied with a shrug. 

"JASON PETER."

"BRUCE ALEXANDRA."

"Just be glad that Damian isn't here to overhear your boorish-"

Jason stopped Bruce with a sharp smack, even as Dick wilted. "What'd you go and open your big mouth for, huh?" Jason hissed. "After all I did to take his mind off of Damian's trip!"

"Moop," Dick said, releasing the sound like a balloon being deflated. Tim squared his shoulders and sacrificed himself by standing in front of Dick. 

"Dick."

"Yes, Timmy?"

"I hurt my finger. Make it better?." This was a lie, but Dick was not to know this, as Tim was quickly sucked into the vortex of Dick's formidable mothering. 

"You see what you've done?" Jason scolded Bruce. "Now we may never see Tim again. He will be absorbed into the Love Creature known as Dick, and will never be seen again."

Bruce looked shamefaced, but still moved to extricate Tim from the flurry of kisses that Dcik was administering. "Calm down, Dick," Bruce rumbled, "Damian will be home tomorrow morning."

Dick smiled and nodded. "I hope he's having fun," he said. "But I'll be glad to have him home tomorrow."

At the risk of being called a hen and clucked at mockingly by Jason and Cass, Bruce nodded. "I know exactly how you feel."

***

Dick insisted that the whole family (including Stephanie) be present to recieve Damian and Raven the next morning. 

At 9 a.m. on the dot, the portal opened and spat Damian straight into Dick's arms, while Raven stepped through more gracefully. There was a cacophany of noises that sounded behind them, and Raven yelled back in another language.

"My family says hi," Raven groused, and everyone peered into the portal to see a large gaggle of demons with two to six gleaming red eyes per face, waving happily. 

"Hi!" Dick called. "Thank you for having Dami over!"

"He's nice," Pride said. 

"Are you single?" Lust called. 

"Er, no."

"What about that guy?" He asked, pointing at Jason.

"No, he's married too."

"And that guy?"

"I'm Batman," Bruce growled. 

"That means nothing to me," Lust said cheerfully. "Wanna bang?"

Raven closed the portal before Bruce could explode. Meanwhile, Damian had insinuated himself firmly into Dick's arms, and was regaling his family with tales of the demon land. "I learned how to accelerate the growth of plants, it is a variation on the rapid aging spell," Damian said. "I can now help Drake grow his mutant coffee bean strain."

"Blah, blah, blah, what'd you bring back as gifts?" Jason asked, getting to the point. 

Damian reached into his knapsack. "For Grayson-"

"Why'd I expect to be first?" Jason grumbled.

"-I found this protection amulet, forged from the molten lava of the great Mount Xigladek."

"It's beautiful, Dami, thank you for being such a kind little man!"

Damian beamed. "I purhased a similar one for Terrence," he said. "And also one for Father, so that he does not perish again.

"For Cassandra, I found this marble set, so that she may fidget with them instead of the kitchen knives whenever she is agitated."

Cassandra took the marbles and then tapped Damian's forehead. "You may," Damian acquiesced, and Cass placed a tiny kiss on Damian's forehead. Damian look very happy - he was getting a lot of kissies today.

"For Pennyworth, I found this ancient staff that looks like a walking stick, so that he may have something to beat off Grayson's admirers with."

"What a lovely thought," Alfred smiled. 

"For Todd, from the shores of the Lake of Healing, I found this pebble that is shaped like his face."

"What!" Jason peered at the rock angrily. "Oh, wait, it actually does look like me," he admitted. "Coolio."

"For Drake, I bought a book on demon economy, should he ever seek to export there."

"Very clever," Tim grinned, already calculating his profits. 

"Did you get anything for yourself, Dami?" Dick asked. 

Damian looked slyly at Bruce. "Father," he said, sliding up to Bruce. 

Bruce knew that look. "Oh no."

Damian reached into his pocket and to Bruce's horror, retrived an impossibly tiny dragon. It starde up at Bruce through wide, copper coloured eyes, it's blue scales glinting in the light that it caught in the dim confines of the cave. 

"He is a fruit dragon, Father," Damian said, running a tiny finger over the dragon's head and between it's eyes, prompting a coo from the beast. "I found him in Raven's family's yard, wrestling with a grape. They told me that in Azarath, they were considered akin to pigeons, and that they were very friendly."

Bruce stared and the creature, even now curling up in Damian's palm for a nap. "I don't know, Damian," Bruce said. "We have to think about Terry - he's a baby, and-"

"They are often used to guard infants," Raven said. "They're basically just scaly hamsters. This one is actually fully grown already."

"I named him Drake," Damian said. 

Tim beamed, even as Dick squealed. "Because Drake means dragon," Tim surmised. At ths, even Bruce smiled.

"No," Damian said, "when I found him, he was humping the grapevine."

"What!"

"Oh no."

"Dami, no!"

"I do not hump *everything*," Tim stressed. 

"Well, that is the name he responds to now," Damian said decisively.

Drake the miniature fruit dragon purred in his sleep, and sretched to expose his pale belly. "Heh. Tim does that too," Jason snickered. 

"Do not!" Tim cried shrilly.

"Liar," Jason scoffed. "I have scratched your belly and you know it."

Tim whined and ran upstairs so that no one could talk about his tiny tummy any more. Meanwhile, Damian continued to recieve pets and affection from Dick. "Look Terrence," Damian said, showing his nephew the newest addition to the family. "This is your guard dragon, Drake."

Terry stared at the little reptile from his swaddle, and the dragon stared back. Then, slowly, the dragon aproached, and give Terry's cheek the tiniest of licks with its tiniest of tongues.

"They have bonded!" Damian declared. "So mote it be!"

Bruce cleared his throat. "I, for one, do not think-"

"I fOr OnE dO nOt ThInK-"

"-Jason, stop that."

"Oh, calm your rich tits," Jason snorted, "the thing clearly loves Terry. Everyone's fine, or they will be, if you don't go sticking your d-"

"Jason!"

"-dentures into it."

Bruce glared and Jason grinned. "Admit it, old man, you're nosy."

"Am not."

"And controlling."

"Am not."

Dick squeaked at the pinch of pain at the magnitude of the lie. 

Damian bounded forward. "Grayson! Your pure aura is being assaulted by the negativity of Father's untruths! Father! Cease speaking at once!"

Bruce's jaw dropped as Dick pouted and massaged his arm. "Don't fib, Bruce," he scolded. "You're very controlling. You have regular underwear drawer checks just to find contraband."

"Only Tim," Bruce protested. 

"Thongs aren't contraband," Jason said. 

"They are if they're from, or for, Kon-El's enjoyment."

Jason snorted and admired the pebble that Damian gave him. "Look at my cool Healing Pebble," he boasted. He shoved it at Bruce's face. "May the Jaybird Healing Pebble cure your undue paranoia, Bruce."

"Stop putting things from the ground near my face."

Jason grinned. "You know that Damian probably carved the pebble to look like me, right? He didn't just 'find' it lying around."

Bruce grunted. Damian was sweet like that. "As long as Damian can control the dragon and care for it, then he can keep it," Bruce said. Damian beamed and hugged Bruce around the navel.

"You are most understanding, Father! Thank you!"

Bruce grinned minutely. Anything for his boys.


End file.
